Loss of a Child, Grief and the Holidays…

My beautiful son.

My beautiful son’s birthday is approaching, and I am already feeling the effects I get every year at this time. It will be ten years this January that my sweet little boy took his last breath in my arms. The pain is still excruciating at times, but I hold it together pretty well for the most part…. Except for this time of year.

My son was born on  my father’s birthday in mid December. I lost my dad four years ago. We were not very close and had a lot of issues, but he was still my dad, and I long to hear his voice again. It is just so weird to not have your parent on this earth anymore. It is hard to enjoy things without them here, but I have to try to remember that they don’t want me to feel sad.

My son was born with TAPVR, a congenital heart defect. He only lived for 22 days, and was hospitalized his entire life. I could go into details, but it is too painful…. All I will say, is that he had the best doctors, and they did all they could to save him, but it wasn’t his purpose. It is hard to grasp, but I know that is the truth, and I would never have my daughter who was born nine days shy of my son’s first birthday, if he would have been healthy. I want both of my children here and seeing other families that are complete, makes me long for the same thing.

Losing a child is the worst thing that could ever happen to a person. If you are reading this because you are feeling the same way right now, just know that your child is with you in spirit…. I have had a lot of signs from my son that shows that he is around me, I just ask for them and they are presented to me in subtle, yet meaningful ways.

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